Inspired by the series „Heeramandi: The Diamond Bazaar” directed by Sanjay Leela Bhansali (2024) with Manisha Koirala playing the character of Mallikajaan
Picture taken from Pinterest, posted by the user Sajid-al-Noor
The poem contains spoilers from the movie
I am the Chandra of this place,
I am the heart of iron that rules these courts,
Many call me ruthless, cruel, even heartless,
But how can I have a heart,
When I had to cross over dead bodies,
To secure my future and the others’ futures.
I once was a teen,
Raised in these times,
Where the angrezi forced us to sell our bodies,
Where other men took advantage of our bodies, not just look at them,
And I was forced,
To enter a world far too cruel,
For a teen’s destiny.
I had to kill my sister,
To kill my own kind,
To protect myself,
From this mess,
That was the kabristan,
Heeramandi,
The place ruled by tawaifs,
A place where love dies before it has a chance to blossom,
A place cursed to suffer,
With women forced to pass a lineage,
Of dishonour and disgrace,
In the eyes of many.
I learnt to rule, over my Shahi Mahal,
I led the courts with an iron fist,
I always had my way, and in these courts, not the english,
But I ruled,
Heeramandi was mine,
And no man could have his way around here.
I crossed my heart,
I burned bridges,
I crushed hope
And I destroyed souls,
For my safety,
For the other tawaifs’ safety.
And they still called me heartless.
A tawaif never has the right to dream,
She can’t be free,
She is a slave of the court,
And now she is a tool for the right price,
But still, she is safer in this world,
Where sisters and mothers can defend each other,
Where woman can protect one another,
Where we can understand each other.
I had 3 daughters,
A dream and a curse for women like me,
And they grew up,
Having a life like mine,
Full of sorrows and crushed dreams,
Yet safer than mine,
Thanks to my protection,
To my heart,
To my love,
But it seem like I burned
What relationship I had with them,
Because I wanted to protect them,
Am I wrong for protecting them?
My first two have already entered this world,
With nawabs of their own,
Although my youngest still has to debut,
And I pester her to do it faster,
Yet she refuses, living in the world of poetry,
In the land of dreams.
Dreams are not a part of our lives,
They came with hope, with acceptance, with love,
Things that are forbidden for our kind,
And I will do everything to protect them.
For Lajjo, my eldest,
I went above and beyond,
She was my heera,
When she smiled my lips mimicked hers,
And when she laughed, the walls would laugh with her.
I encouraged her to get a nawab,
To not let him go, and live a life of luxury,
But to be careful not to fall in love,
Because it is a curse, it makes you weak,
And it breaks you everytime.
There is no love for a tawaif,
But there is satefy to be won,
Financial stability and physical safety,
She listened to my advice and got a wealthy one,
But she fell in love with him, and he disgraced her.
I tried to warn her, in passing,
I tried to help, but not enough,
But when she was disgraced once again,
I snapped back and made him pay,
Through shame and a ruined perception,
About his true lineage, an illegitimate bastard.
She suffered a lot, her heart in pieces,
And in her soul too much to bear, she died,
A part of me with her has gone.
But now she is free, in a land of hope,
Where she can love, she can be soft,
She can be safe from the cruel world,
From my bad advice.
I feel so guilty,
I didn’t stop her,
I encouraged her to get Zorawar,
It’s my fault,
But I can’t do anything now,
I can only toughen from the pain,
I can only make sure it doesn’t happen anymore.
I danced in her honour,
And part of me flew with her,
My heart aching, but never showing,
Yet they still call me heartless,
My poor baby.
For Alamzeb my youngest,
I had to be the toughest
She was my pearl,
I love her a lot,
Yet I need to be strong,
I need to be cruel,
She is a poet,
She lives in the land of dreams,
She believes she can be free,
She believes she can be in love,
But she doesn’t know,
How cruel the world can be,
How ruthless the people can be,
She, a daugher of a tawaif,
She, a girl so innocent,
Can be broken in mere seconds.
I am fierce for my little one,
I pestered her to debut,
Yet she defied me,
Moreover, she fell in love,
But the universe seems to be kind,
Because she fell in love with a nawab,
A wealthy one at that,
And he loves her, Tajdar.
I went soft, I shouldn’t have,
She was incarcerated,
And I was shocked,
I made a deal,
With the devil,
With the angrezi,
A pawn in Fareedan’s game,
And I paid the price,
I sold my love many times,
But I never lost it,
Yet the british managed to do it.
They tried to take down Mallikajaan,
But I am forged with a will of steel,
I am more than it seems,
I will rise, I never fall,
In this game that she plays on,
The British can try all they want,
But for my daughters I will do anything.
More sweetly I seek revenge,
Revenge is sweet,
Revenge is worthy,
Revenge is when I will make them pay,
I am Mallikajaan,
Under the pearls and gold,
I am made of steel,
I am made of fire,
I am the heartless one if I need to be.
But she begged me,
She made my heart weak,
Seeing her so broken,
Seeing her in such pain,
Begging her own mother to accept her love,
How can I be so cruel to deny her love?
But how can I be so stupid to believe he really loves her?
So I made a deal with her,
After she asked for my forgiveness,
Which I gave with all my being,
She was my own after all,
I will do anything for her,
So I told her, that if he’s not here for the first wedding proceedings,
She will have her debut as a tawaif,
Far from this tumultuous world of love,
She agrees and is adorned,
Waiting for her groom, but never showing.
My heart broke for her,
As I saw something snap in her eyes,
Pain, betrayel, love that hasn’t been completed,
Few deals I have regretted for winning
And this is one such deal,
I regret breaking my baby’s heart,
But the show must go on,
And I will do anything to protect her,
Yet when she was dancing, like the sitari she is,
We found out Tajdar is dead,
Killed by the British,
A tale ended by cruel men,
That forced us to dance our hearts away,
To kill out emotions, and leave only desire,
Like the moon,
Destined to be admired from afar.
My baby is so sad
My baby is broken,
I pray for her, that maybe the universe will grant her peace,
Because I will never find my own,
I understand what she is feeling,
I once was in love too,
Not a lot, but enough to make it count,
I didn’t have time to suffer,
Since my sister was trying to sell me
But to be so in love,
To lose such food for the soul,
Especially for the soul of a poet
My heart is breaking for my little Alamzeb,
And each tear she shed,
One shall leave my eyes too,
Since she is my eyes,
Oh, my baby.
For Bibbojaan,
The one that was my blessing,
The one that suffered the most,
But in silence,
She is my mind,
She is the reason I still stand sane
Because she was the one that always did what I asked of her,
Always listened to me
She inherited my intuition,
But she also inherited my ambition, my will,
And that was her greatest flaw,
That was her demise.
She danced with her heart,
She graced others with her moves,
And her nawab was paying up good,
But she sadly ended a pawn in my battle,
Against Fareedan, my ungrateful niece,
But when I forced her to have her last dance,
She agreed,
To not anger me,
And I have regretted that a lot,
My daughter’s life a coin to exchange,
In a battle against my enemy.
But she was ambitious,
Irrational even,
So she joined the revolution,
She plotted and executed
Moves against the angrezi,
Killings, shootings, flyers,
Even riots she helped organise,
As she was a tawaif,
With beauty few were graced,
She was a mole,
Spying on the English,
Even befriending one
Keeping a fake romance,
Selling her body for information
But soon she was martyred.
She killed an englishman,
The one that helped kill Tajdar and many other,
She sacrificed for our nation, for our kind,
She believed she had a greater purpose
And she fulfilled it,
Igniting the fire deep within our hearts
The tawaifs long yearned for freedom,
To speak, to behave, to exist as equal,
And she was the one,
That believed we can do it,
And she sacrificed herself for us,
For our rights,
A tawaif viewed so poorly by society,
Spilled blood for the freedom of every woman and every man
In hope that her sacrifice,
Would bring all together and make them fight for a better life.
In her actions she failed to see,
How this has affected me,
Her sacrifice for the greater good,
Cost me my daughter,
My pride and joy
My peace of mind,
With her death, the calm of my mind went away
And the only thing that kept me from snapping,
The only one that helped me not act so rash and impulsive,
The only one who was there to keep everyone together,
To listen to all,
To help all,
To keep me together,
To help me not be driven by revenge and selfish reasons,
Was snatched so cruely by the universe,
But in your action you managed,
To make us be a team
And work against our oppresors,
My baby, oh I have done you so wrong.
Now I have nothing to lose,
My wrong doings catching up to me,
Karma getting her revenge maybe,
My heart went away with my dear Lajjo,
My tears and emotions are shared with Alamzeb my baby,
And my mind will never know any peace
Once my pride Bibbo passed away,
I’m not heartless, I am a mother,
Mother of daughters
Mother of tawaifs,
Mother of the Shahi Mahal
And how can a mother be heartless
When she will do anything
For her own,
When she will sacrifice anything
For her own,
When she will turn heartless to many and all
For her own,
And I will do anything,
To protect those that I care for,
I am cruel, I am flawed,
But I raised myself,
In a world where we are viewed as lesser,
Where we are viewed as objects,
So to come on top,
To be the most feared in Heeramandi,
I walked on corspes,
I burned my past,
I killed hope and souls,
To become the fiercest in this hellhole,
So I can make sure,
None of my dears,
Will suffer like I suffered,
None of my dears,
Will have to take the decisions I took.
I am Mallikajaan,
Chanda of the Heeramandi,
The rani of these kothas,
Here I and solely I rule,
Heartless called by most,
Too forgiving and full of compassion form my point of view,
Full of regrets,
Full of unfulfilled dreams,
Full of misplaced hope,
A mind plagued by wrong doings,
That now has a sole purpose,
Revenge on the angrezi,
The ones that forced me to be like this,
The ones that made me the way I am,
I am the sole leader of Heeramandi,
And they will understand my will of steel,
When my sweet revenge will be served,
Blood will be spilled,
Tears will be shed,
Bodies will be set ablaze,
I will make them pay
And I will earn my title,
The hearless one.
The poem was being written while listening to the songs: „Sakal Ban”, „Heeramandi: Intro theme”, „Azadi”